| Face it, relationships are TOUGH! Family | | | | behavior, but you can change how they affect |
| relationships are even tougher, though. Think | | | | you. If you allow them to push your buttons, |
| about it, you are close to the person, probably | | | | they will. However, only you control how you |
| live in the same house together. They know you, | | | | react to them and how you are affected by |
| your quirks, your moods - and how to push your | | | | them. John Miller in "QBQ! The Question Behind" |
| buttons. The key to surviving relationship | | | | offers some very good advice and gives a very |
| problems, however, is to take control of the | | | | clear, concise pattern to train your brain to take |
| situation. No, no, no, this does not mean strong | | | | responsibility of a situation and therefore change |
| arming your family member and beating them into | | | | it. 1. Ask "what" and "how" questions. As in the |
| submission. What it means is taking ownership of | | | | case of Moe, he questioned, "What can I do that |
| the areas that you CAN control. What exactly | | | | may encourage the other children to include me in |
| can you control in these situations? YOU! | | | | their games?" and, "How can I control how they |
| Recently, a 12 year old boy, Moe, was having | | | | affect me when they make fun of me?" Do not |
| social problems that affected both his family | | | | ask "why" questions. Why questions take away |
| relationships and his peer relationships. When | | | | your empowerment and further victimize you. 2. |
| asked to write a story about a 5th grade boy | | | | Only use the word "I." Ask, "What can I do?" |
| who was having problems with friends in his | | | | "How do I..." Never bother to ask THEY do..." You |
| school, he responded in an interesting manner. | | | | can't change "they," you can only change you and |
| This is a part of what he wrote, | | | | how your react to them. As Moe said, "We can't |
| "He (the 5th grade boy) came back to me after | | | | change them." 3. Take action! Don't get bogged |
| recess a little teary eyed. I said to him, 'Maybe | | | | down in the questions and analysis of the situation. |
| there is something I can do to help you?' He | | | | Move forward quickly and do something! Control |
| answered, 'There is nothing you can do to change | | | | the things that you can - you and how others |
| them.' I said back to him, 'That's right. We can't | | | | affect you. Let go of trying to control the things |
| change them, we can only change you and the | | | | that you can't control - others and their behaviors. |
| way you look at things'(Moe Eirdad, grade 7)" | | | | When you allow someone else to push your |
| This little boy, Moe, who was himself having social | | | | buttons and get you upset, then THEY are in |
| problems, recognized that (better than many | | | | control of the situation. When you take control of |
| adults) the most important lesson in creating and | | | | yourself and take charge of how they can affect |
| maintaining better relationships is that it all begins | | | | you, then YOU are the one in control - and they |
| (and ends) with you. You can't change other | | | | can't push your buttons any more. |
| people and you certainly can't change their | | | | |