| Sticks and stones may break my bones, but | | | | until college that I become aware of the pain. I |
| words will never hurt me. That's a crock! An | | | | was romantically involved with a young man. He |
| absolute crock! Whoever wrote this didn't have a | | | | was funny and charismatic. We had a great time |
| clue. | | | | together. The defining moment came when we |
| I concur with Robert Fulghum, US author and | | | | went to a church event. The people at the church |
| Unitarian clergyman, who said, "Sticks and stones | | | | knew me. I got goo-gobs of attention, hugs, and |
| will break our bones, but words will break our | | | | kisses. I enjoyed it. |
| hearts..." Many of us are getting the sticks and | | | | Noticing that my friend was seated, I tried to |
| stones of life now because of the pain of words | | | | include him by introducing him and inviting him to |
| ill-spoken. | | | | join me. He refused. During the ride back home, |
| Words like "your momma won't nothing and you | | | | he sulked. He accused me of being Ms. Popular. |
| won't be nothing either" wounds our self esteem. | | | | But what really stung was, "you would do |
| How can you esteem yourself, if people whom | | | | anything for attention wouldn't you?" Those |
| you respect or have authority afflict you with | | | | words push the play button of my mother's |
| such words? It's even more disheartening when | | | | original words. Immediately, I tried to convince him |
| you succeed in life despite those words yet you | | | | that I wasn't the bad person he was making me |
| cannot enjoy it because something inside of you | | | | out to be. |
| feels unworthy. You've achieved but you feel like | | | | I felt responsible and apologized profusely. After |
| a fraud. It wasn't enough. | | | | all, it wasn't his fault. It was my fault that I had |
| I have a theory. If you have to "prove" | | | | hurt him so badly that he wouldn't believe me. He |
| something, then something inside of you is | | | | continued to hurl verbal accusations that put me |
| undecided about your value. At a deep level, you | | | | down even further. I felt worse and worse. I |
| aren't sure if you are worthy. However, instead | | | | called him repeatedly. When he'd finally answer, he |
| of facing your pain, you seek to achieve | | | | was cold and distant. I even drove to his house. |
| something to prove you're okay. | | | | He told me to leave him alone and exploded |
| The hurting words are no longer outside of you, | | | | angrily. He went for broke! He finally yelled it was |
| but are inside your head taunting you, bullying you, | | | | over and he didn't want a girl like me. |
| criticizing you. You've become your own abuser. | | | | I was devastated. I turned on myself. In my |
| I remember the pain of words spoken. My mom | | | | eyes, I was a failure. I messed up. Now, I didn't |
| had no malicious intent whatsoever. My sisters | | | | have the man I adored because of me. My |
| and I were often invited to sing on programs at | | | | mother didn't want me to be Miss High and Mighty |
| church. Despite the adulations of others, my | | | | and I had failed. I hurt. I hurt so bad. I was a bad |
| mother never ever expressed any pride in our | | | | girl. I hurt someone that I loved. I kept telling God |
| talents. When people would say, "Alice, I know | | | | that I didn't mean to be that way. I desperately |
| you're proud of your daughters" she would shrug | | | | asked God to change me. |
| it off. I can't remember but I must have asked | | | | Words do hurt. Blinded by his own pain, my |
| her why she did that because I recall her | | | | boyfriend harmed me. Blinded by her own pain, |
| response, "I don't want you to grow up thinking | | | | my mother's words had harmed me. Damaging |
| you are so much." What she meant was she | | | | words can become internalized and can position |
| didn't want us to grow up snooty or arrogant or | | | | you in life as the abused or the abuser. But Truth |
| condescending because of our talent. But it | | | | sets us free. Truth spoke to my agonizing heart |
| affected my self image in a negative way. | | | | and reminded me of who I am and how |
| It wasn't evident immediately. In fact, it wasn't | | | | irrefutably valuable I am. I was then ready to heal. |