| Many of us have them. Some of us were them. | | | | together. Each week a different family member |
| And few of us know how to handle them. They | | | | chooses an activity for your time together. One |
| are never home. Or they are always home but | | | | week everyone helps Dad in the garden. The |
| locked in their room. They are rude and sarcastic. | | | | next week everyone goes to the park and then |
| They are disrespectful and distrustful. They are | | | | out for ice cream because that's what your 6 |
| grumpy and moody and unpredictable. Some of | | | | year old wants. The next week your teen shows |
| them are even angry and violent. You could just | | | | the family how he got to level 17 on his latest |
| suffer through until they grow up and are out of | | | | video game. |
| the house. But, what kind of destruction can an | | | | Your teen may hate pulling weeds. You may hate |
| emotionally disconnected teen wreak on you, | | | | video games and that odd stench in his room. |
| your marriage, or their younger siblings in those | | | | Everyone but the 6 year old may think that |
| few short years between now and then? | | | | playing on the swings is lame. But, you will learn |
| What follows is a list of 4 things you can do NOW | | | | about being a family. Everyone feels important as |
| to reconnect with your teen and to help him | | | | everyone else participates in an activity they |
| reconnect with the rest of the family. | | | | have chosen. And, your teen will start to |
| 1. Give him someone he can trust. | | | | understand that he is part of something bigger |
| Nothing will drive your teen away faster than | | | | than himself. |
| broken promises and abused trust. And nothing | | | | 4. Give him a family. |
| will bring you back into your teen's good graces | | | | A family may be a group of people living together |
| than keeping your word. If you say you are going | | | | under one roof but a group of people living |
| to be at his ball game - be at his ball game. If you | | | | together under one roof aren't necessarily a |
| promise to help with a homework assignment - | | | | family. Families have history and heritage. Families |
| set up a time to do it and then do it. | | | | are made up of imperfect people who love each |
| If you can't do something, don't say you can. I | | | | other and are trying to learn and grow together. |
| know you want to look supportive. I know you | | | | Families fight and forgive and try again. |
| have good intentions. I know you hate to say no. | | | | Sometimes it's difficult for your teen to see that - |
| But, it's better to tell them no now than to tell | | | | or to care. But there are some things you can do |
| them yes and make yourself a liar in their eyes | | | | to help him see: |
| when you choose not to follow through. | | | | - When it's your turn for family night, share a |
| 2. Give him boundaries and responsibilities. | | | | story or two about when you were growing up. |
| Very few kids ever tell a parent they wish they | | | | And don't just tell the good ones. Sometimes |
| had more rules. But every troubled teen I have | | | | teens keep making poor choices because they |
| ever talked to has said just that. Oh, maybe they | | | | don't think they can change. Show them by |
| don't use those words. What they do say? | | | | example that a few poor choices can teach life |
| - My parents don't care what I do. | | | | lessons that propel us to greater things. |
| - My parents don't need me. | | | | - Send him to his grandparents for a few weeks |
| - My parents don't trust me. | | | | in the summer by himself. Ask them to share |
| What follows every one of those statements? "I | | | | family stories with him while he's there. Seeing |
| wish they did." | | | | you through their eyes might change his |
| You want show your teen that you care? Ask | | | | perspective. |
| questions! Listen to the answers! Be VERY slow | | | | - Give him a framed family tree to hang on his |
| to criticize! Learn about what's going on in their life. | | | | wall - one that lists his name, the names of his |
| You want to show your teen that he is needed? | | | | parents, his grandparents, his great-grandparents, |
| Give your child household responsibilities. Ask for a | | | | maybe even his great-great-grandparents. Explain |
| favor once in a while. Share a problem of yours | | | | that the lives lived by those 30 people went into |
| and ask for his advice. | | | | making his life what it is today. Nothing helps you |
| You want to show your teen that you trust him? | | | | feel like part of something larger than yourself |
| Set boundaries. Expect him to abide by a few | | | | than coming to know a little bit about those who |
| reasonable rules. Teach him that there are | | | | came before you. |
| consequences to his choices. And then follow | | | | Your teenager is bombarded all day, every day |
| through on those consequences. (See #1.) | | | | with attitudes, confusion, misinformation, peer |
| 3. Give him your time. | | | | pressure. Give him someone he can trust. Give |
| Pick a family night. Put it on the calendar. Make | | | | him boundaries and responsibilities. Give him time. |
| sure everyone knows they are to be there (see | | | | And give him a family connection that grounds |
| #2). And then make sure you are there (see #1). | | | | him and provides him with vision and stability for |
| On this one night, every week, Mom and Dad are | | | | his future. And what parent doesn't want that for |
| home from work, the children don't have lessons | | | | their child. |
| or dates or practices, and everyone has dinner | | | | |